It’s hard to go through pain and trust that it’s meant for you. It’s even harder to let go of something that felt so real – something that felt like home. But what’s the hardest of all is holding back from punching people who tell you to stop crying, stop listening to Favourite Ex on repeat, and move the hell on. When I go through a breakup, my knee-jerk reaction is to find the lesson that came out of it. Sometimes the lesson is to get as far away from that person as possible. Sometimes lessons in love are more complicated and I need to write about it. Who am I kidding, I write about it anyway.
The love we crave
Despite us needing to develop on our own, we fall over backwards for love. We run down boys’ driveways to exclaim our feelings to them, only to falter and pretend we’ve been swallowed up by a ghost when he opens the door. And consequently, when he doesn’t reciprocate, we cut our hair and squeeze ourselves into flattering mini dresses in hopes that one day he will in fact fall for us. That he will wake up and finally see us for the truly passionate and beautiful and intricate human beings we are. Because at the end of the day, all we really want is to be seen. We want one person who will be the witness of our highs and lows. Who will encourage us to chase our dreams, cheer us on from the sidelines, and won’t shut up about us in front of their friends.
The independence we crave
Humans are complex beings. While we want love, we also want freedom. We want to know ourselves intimately but can’t face being alone. It’s easier for us to hear that we are loved by someone else than to have to tell ourselves. And sometimes we want them both at the same time, despite there only being room for one. When we feel this longing for freedom, there isn’t really anyone in the world that could fill this void other than ourselves. Because in truth, there is nothing quite like being alone. It’s not always enjoyable, and it’s not always easy, but it builds an unbelievable amount of strength and self confidence. There’s something unmistakably magical about waking up and knowing you have no one to please but yourself.
Lessons in love
A list of things I will remember:
- The time we went to King’s Park on my lunch break and he told me that I just glow
- The time he copped a $200 fine so he could drop flowers off at my work, just cause
- The time we snuggled in his car at the drive-in and talked the whole way through the movie
- The time I told him I wanted to get botox and he told me I was perfect exactly the way I was
- The time I told him everything I loved about my cousin and he smiled and said that I just love to love
- Every time he cracked an egg one-handed
- Every time he rinsed out a container so it could be recycled
- Every time he picked me up in his Honda Accord (sometimes in shoes, sometimes not) and wouldn’t tell me where we were going until we got there
- Every time he twirled me around in the aisles of the grocery store
- Every time he touched my hair, kissed my forehead, or wrapped a towel around me after the shower
When I ask myself what I learnt from this relationship, this is my answer. I learnt how I deserve to be treated. How to love myself and my body more. I learnt that sometimes we can find what feels like the most perfect person for us and it still not be right. Even more frustratingly, that all it might have come down to was poor timing. Although I’m tired of picking my heart up off the floor, I know I wouldn’t change it. For all the times opening up didn’t feel worth it, this was the rare occasion when it did. So from here, I’ll keep taking one step forward until the ache of a broken heart turns into something else – the ache of feeling grateful, full, and damn lucky to exist in this world. And if you ask me, that’s one of the best lessons in love there is.
Yours,
Kait x
Cover photo by Anna Shvets