To all the women who have never orgasmed before (or just not with another person) – this one is for you. The best spin-off of the Lara Jean & Peter Kavinsky classic. One night I was sitting on my bed with my three best friends and we were talking about sex. As my friends were talking, I became increasingly concerned, especially when they started discussing their many (and regular) pursuits of pleasure. I revealed that I had never had an orgasm while with a guy, and asked if they’d experienced the same. They had not. It got me wondering whether I was the only one. This post isn’t sex advice. It actually isn’t advice at all – it’s just for all of you out there who have felt the same at one point or another – you’re not alone.

A boy, friend

I always felt like a late bloomer when it came to thinking about sex. When I was 12, I had, what I called back then, a boyfriend. Now, I’d just call it a boy who ran up my phone bill (sorry, mum) and snuggled with me under the covers while watching soppy films. We never kissed, just talked and held hands. My friends would always make fun of us for not taking it further, but neither of us ever felt comfortable to do more. When I did finally pop my cherry, many years later, I couldn’t have felt more inexperienced.

Experimenting with myself

While I was a little scared of progressing with boys, I had no problem with myself. From an early age, I discovered what it was like to have a clitoral orgasm. At the time, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I just knew that it felt good. As I grew older, and realised what it meant, I started to feel shame about it. Girls masturbating was something no one talked about – it was almost a given for boys, but not for us. Because of this, I’ve always been scared to bring up sex in conversation – with friends, boyfriends, anyone. I once almost drove off the road because of a tug of war I had with my boyfriend over accessing YouTube on my phone – I had failed to wipe my explicit search history. But why was I so embarrassed of anyone knowing I thought about sex?

Why I can’t orgasm (with someone)

My gut feeling tells me that the reason I haven’t had an orgasm with a partner is because I am too far inside my own head. I am a serial people pleaser, worry about how I am performing, how my body looks, and tend to overthink a lot. Even when a guy asks what I want or what I like, I can’t even tell them. Not because I don’t know, but because I struggle to say it or ask for it. During sex, whenever I edge closer, I pull back. I start to think about what’s going to happen if I finish. Why does it feel like I need to pee? What if it gets messy and I embarrass myself? So many unanswered questions – that scares me. I can’t ever seem to entirely let go and give in. I know what a clitoral orgasm feels and looks like, but have not yet reached orgasm-through-vaginal-penetration territory. Don’t even get me started on the G-spot.

While I was researching for this post, I found out that there is a term for what I (and potentially many other women) experience. It’s called secondary anorgasmia. Or, the inability to orgasm, despite being able to before. While knowing this doesn’t help entirely, at least I can attest to the fact that I am not the only one.

An adventure for another day

Having still never orgasmed with a partner, I am not worried. The point of sex isn’t always to have one – it’s to enjoy the experience. And that is definitely what I am doing. If you are having regular sex with someone, be transparent with them about not having climaxed. Remember, sex involves two people. If your partner is supportive, they will understand. And they will (hopefully) try and help you in achieving it. Sometimes – and this is a bit harsh – but it’s almost fun telling them. Especially for those men who think that they are incredibly talented in bed – it brings them back down to Earth. So, to all the women who have never orgasmed before, welcome. Stay as long as you like.

Yours,

Kait x

Cover photo by Cottonbro Studio