Dear long distance best friends, I miss you. 2024 was a chaotic year for me, to put it lightly. Please do read all about it. The hardest transition when moving home was leaving all of the beautiful people I’d met behind. What sucked even more, when I got back to Perth, was my best friend telling me that she was moving to Exmouth (a tourist town 12 hours north of where we lived). And while I was heartbroken, most of our relationship had been long distance. We could do it again. Alone once more, I was determined to get back on the horse and find some fulfilling, long-lasting friendships, just like I had in London.

Loving you from afar

I thought it would be easy enough. Not replacing you (I could never replace you), but finding someone who had that same energy you have. The same energy we shared together. Someone who I could share everything with. I wanted to leave interactions with this new person the way I always left ours – full, happy, giddy. But the truth is, it’s been harder to make friendships than I thought. No one in this place is forthcoming when it comes to meeting anyone new. No one smiles or dares to say hi to a stranger. They don’t need new friends, or so they say. The truth is, you are a beacon of light compared to everyone else. And now, I have to watch you grow dim.

Friendships of the good (Philia)

What’s important to note is that not all friendships will survive the distance. Some will fall away, like they never existed, and will only resurface in your memories. But it’s simply that they were made for that moment in time and nothing more. And that’s okay. These types of friends are what Aristotle describes as friendships of utility, and friendships of pleasure. They are there to serve a purpose – whether it’s transactional, or simply to experience pure delight (someone who only wishes to go drinking with you, perhaps). The friends that we treasure and keep, however, are described as friendships of the good, or philia.

The difference between this type of friendship and friendships of utility and pleasure is the motive we have. Philia friendships are based on mutual affection. You share a true and deep emotional bond that centres around shared values. It isn’t about being close in proximity and it doesn’t rely on a high frequency of contact. What matters is your love of each other’s character. It’s fondness and care, respect and admiration. And that’s why these relationships are designed to last the distance.

Platonic love

When I read the book Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton, it made me feel wildly jealous of some people’s experience of platonic love. For her, it was long-term female friendships. Unlike Dolly, I rarely felt this soul-warming affection for my friends. I didn’t understand them to their core – what their guilty pleasure was, how many hours of sleep they needed to function, or what their biggest hopes and fears were. The kind of female friendship we dream of, that’s buttery soft and warm, while also being bold and fun and electrifying. The last few years, however, have taught me something about friendship. I’ve finally understood what it’s like to have philia friends, what it’s like to have platonic love.

Dolly describes love so perfectly and beautifully – “I know that love can be loud and jubilant. It can be dancing in the swampy mud and the pouring rain at a festival and shouting ‘YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING’ over the band. It’s introducing them to your colleagues at a work event and basking in pride as they make people laugh and make you look lovable just by dint of being loved by them… And I also know that love is a pretty quiet thing. It’s lying on the sofa together drinking coffee, talking about where you’re going to go that morning to drink more coffee. It’s folding down pages of books you think they’d find interesting… Love is a quiet, reassuring, relaxing, pottering, pedantic, harmonious hum of a thing; something you can easily forget is there, even though its palms are outstretched beneath you in case you fall.”

Dear long distance best friends

Dear long distance best friends, I miss you. Please write to me and call me when you can. Please know that I’m always thinking of you and I’m saving up to come and visit you. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s hard. Please meet new friends, but don’t love them as much as you love me. Most of all, please remember that no matter where you are in the world, who you’re with, or what episode of The Office you’re up to, I will be there, supporting you and cheering you on from the sidelines. And if you haven’t started watching The Office yet, then you need to. You won’t regret it. It’s not the same without you here with me. But one day soon, we’ll see each other again, and it will be like no time has passed at all.

Yours forever,

Kait x

Photo by Aline Viana Prado