Whenever it comes time to write my personal development posts, I get so excited. I usually always have an idea in mind. But this week, I’ve felt like there are too many things to say while there being nothing to say at all. I’ve been writing and re-writing. I don’t know where to start or what I’m doing. And in all honesty, I feel emotionally overwhelmed and like everything is falling apart. After starting to write an advice post, I’ve realised that I am not ready for that yet. I am in no place to give advice, nor do I want to. So I am writing an in-between post for this in-between time. For when you feel like you’re muddling through, unsure of where to go next. When you’re on the edge of something, while also being right in the middle of it.
It’s hard sometimes
Having a hard time dealing with the powerful yet fleeting connections I’d been experiencing for six weeks straight, I drowned myself in music. When I started volunteering at a hostel in London, I met a boy from Australia. He had such a soft and kind nature, but covered it with a hard, sarcastic outer shell. When I was with him, I couldn’t help but feel like a kid again. He introduced me to an album that I couldn’t stop listening to. I realise now that, without intending to, he was preparing me for this achy in-between time without him. One of the songs was called Hard Sometimes. The words echoed back to me exactly what I’d been feeling. I try to be happy but it’s hard sometimes. But life just seems to happen right before my eyes. Cause I feel like I’m not there, cause my head is up somewhere. Far away from all my friends, I just want that back again.
Stand still
The day after he left, I received a message from a beautiful angel of a girl. As if she knew I needed it, she sent me a link to a song called Noah (Stand Still). I loved it the first time I heard it, but slowly, the lyrics started to seep into my soul. Feeling like I was on a nonstop emotional rollercoaster, I leaned into this song’s words and what they meant to me at this time. My heart was bruised from all the people I’d met, loved, and lost while travelling. The worst part was that I felt so out of control – I had so many emotions and had nowhere to put them. I felt like I was breaking and needed something to hold me. And my father told me “Noah, when you don’t know where you’re going, just stand still, soon enough you will”. And my grandfather told my father “it don’t get easier, just harder. Yes it will. Remember, just stand still”.
Breathe
I took a few days break from London and headed to Edinburgh for cherry blossom season. Despite feeling like I needed some alone time to recharge my social battery, I felt more lonely than ever. I was so busy on the first day that I was momentarily distracted. The next day was the hardest. I sat for three hours at a cafe trying to write, but spent most of it staring out the window, watching hooded people on the street pass by as it trickled with rain. Remembering what he had said to me the week earlier, I went outside to purposely walk in the rain. As soon as I did, it stopped. And then something happened. I saw the old brick of the buildings and the sun coming through the clouds. And for a moment, I could breathe again. For a moment, everything was okay.
Because while I felt like I had been left open and my heart bleeding, there was beauty in the pain that I was experiencing. And while I had never felt such a strong cycle of being broken and healed over and over, I’d also never felt this whole. I’ll be honest, you don’t get used to the feeling. You don’t get used to the ache that exists in your heart and your tears don’t run out. Life will carry on without you. But to feel is to be alive. And getting through this in-between time is necessary to see what’s waiting for you on the other side.
The in-between
The in-between is a place that you will re-visit countless times in your life. It’s the place you fall into after an ending but before a new beginning. It’s a place full of feelings of stagnation and angst. And while I would like to offer advice or a solution for getting through the in-between time, I can’t. Because the truth is, there rarely is one. We all have a tendency to look for quick fixes to heal our pain and make ourselves feel better, but we shouldn’t.
What we should do is understand that there is at least one other person out there who feels the same as us right now. And although you may not be able to see them, I hope it gives you relief in knowing that they exist. While no one else can fix you, trust that someone will be there to hold your hand while you fix yourself. Whether your pain is the same as someone else’s or different, we all feel it. We’re all here, standing together and holding on through this beautiful shit storm that is life. Knowing you’re not alone, put one foot in front of the other. Close your eyes, take a breath, and for a moment, just stand still.
Yours,
Kait x
Cover photo by Spring Toan