Since therapy sessions are a little out of my sad student budget, I’ve found myself (like many others) turning to a robot to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I’m scared to admit that it has, on more than one occasion, been most helpful. In my most recent ramblings to ChatGPT, the AI gave me labels and concrete concepts to work with: emotional misalignment and existential dislocation. This means that I am struggling with identity, belonging, authenticity, and the anxiety that arises when these things go awry. No one really knows what label to put on their feelings. They just know that they feel something, and whatever it is, it’s not quite right. It can feel like hollowness and confusion. This post isn’t about fixing; it’s about what it feels like to slowly and painfully move through loneliness, disconnection, heartbreak, and change in your twenties.

The symptom: Loneliness

What’s surprising to note is that, despite being the most seemingly connected generations, 51% of Millennials and 54% of Gen Z experience loneliness regularly. Gen Z are also the most likely (58%) to feel embarrassed about these feelings, compared to other generations (48%). The reason we feel ashamed about feelings of loneliness is because we associate it with being socially alienated. We’re biologically designed to be drawn to others — it’s a survival tactic — belonging to a group facilitates safety.

Loneliness isn’t the cause of sad feelings — it’s a symptom of something deeper. The transience of our twenties can make loneliness and disconnection almost inevitable. It’s a transition period where we experience the most change. Through navigating the challenges, we start to build our authentic sense of self. Because of this, diversions happen. We may deviate from those we once knew because they fail to grow with us. But sometimes, we end up surrounded by the wrong people just so we can feel surrounded. Post-breakup and post-move, I’ve craved attention and affection, yet nothing feels satisfying. Because it’s not just anyone we need when we feel lonely — it’s someone who sees us, who knows us deeply. It’s a longing to be emotionally met.

The cause: Emotional misalignment

After the symptom, we have the cause — emotional misalignment. From my understanding, emotional misalignment happens when our external environment does not mirror what we believe to be our authentic sense of self. Since moving back to Perth, seeking out new relationships has tested me. Unlike in London, my home-away-from-home, I’ve felt this need to alter my personality to fit in. It has left me questioning which representation of myself is the real one. Put simply, we feel seen, understood, and safe in emotional alignment. When misaligned, we feel invisible, performative, and unmoored. The more time I spend without the people I feel most aligned with, the more loneliness and disconnection I experience. It’s as if I have no one to reaffirm or mirror myself back to me, to check that it still exists.

The internal crisis: Existential dislocation

And finally, the crisis — existential dislocation. Aarushi Aggarwal explains it beautifully: “The human psyche, with its experiences, relationships, and perceptions all woven into it like threads in a tapestry, can sometimes fray and begin to tear apart, and this creates an internal split and alienation.” Existential philosophers Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus argued that humans have this inherent freedom — there is no purpose or meaning to our lives and therefore we must create our own. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl emphasised this human need for meaning in life. Without it, nothing can lessen existential anxiety. Our sense of self is intertwined with the meaning we create in our lives, so when that meaning becomes unclear, it’s natural to feel our identity start to unravel.

Our most authentic sense of self

My favourite quote of all time is from Jane Austen: “Time will explain.” When we’re caught in the messy in-between, it can feel like swimming in the deep end with our clothes on. We can’t avoid loneliness, misalignment, or dislocation forever. The reason I love this quote is that it illustrates the importance of patience — with time, wounds heal and perspectives become clearer. Although it’s been a slow burn, I met a friend last year who has started bringing me back to myself. Every time I see her, the sweet and giggly side of me that I love the most comes out. She makes me feel safe. People who bring out the best in us don’t come along every day. But when they do, you will know. I know how hard it is to muddle through the loneliness and disconnection of your twenties. But just understand this — one day, you will wake up and it will be better. Time will explain, I promise.

Yours,

Kait x

Cover photo by Giovanni Warren