I am not someone who has had a lot of friends throughout my life — I don’t think I ever will be. But what I’ve come to learn is what authentic, loving friendship looks and feels like. Unlike romantic relationships, there aren’t as many rules for friendship. Expectations, boundaries, and labels are blurry. So here is my guide — the 12 rules for friendship (a slightly messier version of Jordan B. Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life).
One
Let them know you love them, thoughtfully. Tell them, show them, it doesn’t matter. Making it known that you see them in their entirety — at their best and their worst. Send them a message on a random Tuesday to let them know you’re thinking of them. Show up at their work unannounced with a bag of sweet treats (I’m blessed enough to say that this is based on a real-life example). Making your friends feel seen is, in my opinion, one of the most important parts in creating and keeping meaningful relationships.
Two
You can ask friends out on a date, too. Making new friends in your twenties is hard. So when you come across someone new at a yoga class, through a friend, or at your local coffee shop, and you just hit it off, ask them to hang out. You never know, they could become your new best friend.
Three
Pay attention to their love language. Sometimes, whether it’s in platonic or romantic relationships, we get caught up in giving love the way we want, instead of the way they want to receive. Ask what they need. Ask if they need advice or if they simply need someone to listen. Or just observe over time. The way they treat others is a good indicator of what is important to them and how they wish to be treated.
Four
You will have friends who serve different purposes. In her podcast Soul Gum, Victoria Hutchins talks about how, philosophically, we have three types of friends — friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of virtue (philia friends). You won’t have a friend who can fulfil all of your needs, just like you can’t be a one-stop-shop for all the people in your life.
Five
You should feel content and safe, not emotionally drained. I used to have a friend who left me in a heavy state after our conversations. She seemed stuck, unaware of her negative mindsets, and unwilling to shift them. The recurrence of these tired grievances became something I quietly dreaded. Friendships should spark joy. They should make you feel safe and warm — a relationship you want to treasure and hold onto.
Six
Share recommendations with your friends. While I was in London, I met an English girl named Aggie. She invited me to her flat one evening and we ate dinner surrounded by piles of books and plants, an Olivia Dean record playing in the background. She shared a book recommendation with me that, to this day, is one of my favourite books of all time (it’s called Ghosts by Dolly Alderton). Dolly has become my favourite author, and Olivia Dean has become one of my favourite artists.
Seven
Be patient and don’t rush it. Building meaningful friendships (like most things that are worthwhile) doesn’t happen overnight. It requires time, consistent effort, patience, and courage. To find authentic people, you must put your authentic self forward. That’s scary. But over time, if you keep showing up, you will form something truly beautiful.
Eight
Be honest (provide support, but challenge). We need at least one person in our lives that can cut through our bullshit and give it to us straight. Because let’s be real, we all make some questionable decisions at times. Be kind and supportive, but don’t be afraid to tell the truth. Honesty can create discomfort, and it’s easier to lie to spare someone else’s or your own feelings. But real honesty builds an unbelievable amount of trust. I respect the hell out of it.
Nine
Keep showing up, even when life gets busy. Genuine consistency and emotional presence are so important in any relationship. I love the phrase, “come as you are.” It applies to both parties — no matter what is going on in your life, there is beauty in accepting and sharing this authentic and vulnerable self. Come as you are, and I’ll be there.
Ten
Be picky with who you’re friends with. You get to pick your friends, you know that, right? And although making new friends is difficult, it’s often necessary. We all grow and change, so the likelihood that you will remain friends with the same people your whole life is very small. Outgrowing is normal. What’s important is choosing friends who understand, support, and love you for the way you are.
Eleven
No one is perfect. Accept the flaws in your friends as you do with your family and your romantic partner — the way they accept yours. And while it’s okay to be picky with your friends, you must also take them in all of their messiness. Whether it’s their habit of running late (unfortunately, I am this friend), taking seven business days to reply, or having a volume-control issue (also guilty), no one is perfect. Though keep in mind that there is an important distinction between accepting flaws and accepting disrespectful behaviour.
Twelve
You might not always have friends. This is probably the most important of all 12 rules for friendship. We all go through seasons. Seasons of change, seasons of friends. If you feel like you are alone, I can guarantee that you are not. The truth is, we may not always have friends. And that’s okay. Never settle, and never lose hope. There’s someone out there for all of us.
Yours,
Kait x
Cover photo by Polina Tankilevitch